Car Repair - what fun!

Another marvellous feature of retirement is that you have the opportunity to mend your own car.  I understand that you, dear reader, being generally of sound mind, are only too happy to pay someone else to get their fingernails filthy grubbing about underneath your expensive status symbol, but I am made of sillier stuff.  Particularly silly when it's a cold, wet February, the fault is an exhaust system leak, and I don't have either a usable garage or a flat drive.

What I do have is a pair of 10ft long car ramps made of Dexion. 

Dexion car ramp - slightly bent

I originally made them to transform our sloping drive into something horizontal, so that I could at least change the oil in a Toyota MR2 Mk1 which I owned a long time ago.  Since then they have held up all sorts of vehicles, including various camper vans, some of them even with sleeping guests aboard.  This last use case is definitely beyond the safety limits of the design, so I now prop them up with axle stands and bits of wood for camper vans, but they are still good for cars if used carefully.  They are about a foot high at the garage end, so you can get quite a long way under with gradually diminishing headroom.  I roll carpet out underneath, which makes it quite cosy under there, as long as it doesn't rain too much.

At the moment, of course, the drive is somewhat obstructed by bits of garage roof, still waiting for their moment of glory.  But blown exhausts wait for no man, so I had to just go for it.

The first issue is that the broken flexible part of the BMW 118d's exhaust is not a part which anyone lists.  It turns out that BMW think it's part of the catalytic convertor box, since it's welded on.  So you need a special aftermarket part, which is a bit more difficult to locate.  Only a bit, of course.  We have the internet, and the internet has the delightfully named Every Exhaust Part Ltd., who do the business with their special repair kit.

So far so good.  The exhaust system is stainless throughout, so it's fairly easy to dismantle, except for the nuts and bolts, some of which are still made of the traditional rust.  The "access only one end at a time" feature of the ramps results in a lot of farting about to get everything undone, but hey.  The new bits arrive (clamp included!), the catalyst box comes off under the car with only one slight mistake - there is a bracket which you get at from underneath, which has studs welded onto it so that you can just undo the nuts - lovely.  Then there's a bracket where you can see the nut from the top (with a big long extension on your socket) so I expected the same genteel, mechanic-friendly design.  Only it was a bit stiff, so I put my big breaker bar onto it... still very stiff... actually VERY stiff... BANG!  Turns out that this time, the nut was welded on, and you're suppose to remove the bolt from underneath.  Oh well, it got the bits on the bench.  This is what they looked like, with the old flexi now missing its pretty woven skirt.  I'd already started in with the angle grinder by this point.

Here's a more detailed view, for annotation nerds:

1.  This weld holds the cat. exit pipe onto the catalyst box - needs to stay and be gas-tight!
2.  This weld holds the old flexi on to the cat. exit pipe - this must go (all of it) to expose the pipe underneath (5)
3.  This weld holds the heat shield / cover onto the catalyst box.  Ignore.
4.  This is what happens when you remove a bit of (2) with an angle grinder, exposing the sleeve of the flexi underneath
5.  This is the exit pipe we have to keep
6.  This is a bit of weld metal peeled back

It's marvellous what you can do with an angle grinder!  I removed all the old flexi and its associated weld to leave a nice shiny exit pipe in what we non-time-constrained people call "no time at all".

All looking good, offer up the new part - aaargh!  It's super floppy!  Have I ground off too much?  I instantly consider making a sleeve from the middle section of the old flexi, but really, this can't be right, can it?  After a cup of tea, I measured it up. The pipe is 60mm OD, the new sleeve is 65mm ID.  Hmmmm.

It seems Every Exhaust Part Ltd. stock slightly too many exhaust parts to keep track of, and there's an almost exactly similar part with a bigger inlet pipe, which they have sent by mistake.  They were very nice about it and rushed me out a new one.  Meanwhile, I don't care about he delay, because we still have plenty of functioning vehicles.

Almost exactly similar

Actually the parts are more nearly identical than this photo suggests. It all went back together fine, except that one of the rear hangers turned out to be broken.  The rubber mount holds a bent rod which is welded onto the side of the pipe, but the rod had broken part-way through at the end of the weld.  I have a MIG welder, but no stainless MIG wire, and I couldn't face the idea of farting about with the one-end-at-a-time ramps yet again to take it all off and put it back again; so I made a custom clamp by drilling/filing a slot in a U-bolt style exhaust clamp (from stock, natch) so that it clamps the rod against the pipe in a nice controlled way. 

Custom lamp in lieu of (broken) weld

Seems to work.  Not stainless, mind. Oh well.

Meanwhile, I notice that if you had a nice big garage with a 6" thick concrete floor, you could buy a lovely two-post lift just like the one your local repair garage uses for as little as £1200!  Ah.  Such is the stuff that dreams are made of.  Silly, eh?

More music, more everything

Things have been cracking along in the Sears music foundry.  I bought myself a winter solstice present of a bundle of MIDI instruments from Native Instruments (not to be confused with National Instruments, who make Labview, even though they both call themselves NI).  This includes various sampled "real" instruments as well as fully-electronic synthesizers and effects.  One of which is "strummed guitar".  This saves all the trouble of learning how to play chords and not sound like a complete beginner (which of course I am, because I don't usually play songs) and gives instant gratification with professional sound quality in no time at all.  Couple that with the "Session Drummer" and a few processing tweaks, and you're mostly done.  The only thing they haven't provided yet is a MIDI-controlled vocalist, but it won't be long, I'm sure.  In the mean time, I've saved months of guitar practice, selecting snare drum sounds and placing individual cymbal bashes using a mouse to create a new song from some more of Pete Golding's lyrics in record time.

Actually I've had the lyrics for a while now, but knowing that they were originally written for a punk rock band made it difficult to think up a different way of presenting the song.  I wanted to do something in contrast to the obvious rhythmic rant, but it took a while to come up with anything.  I'm really pleased with the result though, and this time I don't feel the need to apologise for my vocal efforts.  I hope my version carries the song a bit more gently, and maybe makes the ending a bit more poignant.  See what you think.

Here's the link:  Run Like You

Meanwhile I've started running again after my winter solstice food/booze/laze-fest.  The hill run has proved difficult due to persistent flooding at the top (I know, but that's just reality breaking through your idea of what a hill looks like) but I've got a new PB on the river (20:55) and recently started to extend the run a bit towards 5km, which is some sort of industry standard for running people, apparently.  So far it's about 3.8km in 24:18.  Yesterday I had a new sensation for a while that my legs were doing the running on their own, and the rest of me was just along for the ride.  Interesting, and rather appealing, I must say.  It all changed when I got to the last bit up Exwick Hill though. 

Just for a bit a fun I looked up the record for 5km - as run by 60 year olds.  The current holder is a Welsh chap called Martin Rees, who ran 5km in 16:08 in 2013 when he was 60, although he went 2 seconds faster the next year (when he was 61, obvs).  So he's running just a little bit more than twice as fast as me. To anyone with a competitive nature, that would be a thing, I'm sure, but thankfully my Spinozist philosophical bent (not to mention my Citalopram habit) means that I'm still quite content. 

This post has been entirely about things which I don't have any pictures to associate with, which makes it look a bit dull on the page, so here's a picture of me and Layla.  Layla, is of course, growing rapidly and learning all sorts of new stuff, which is very exciting for everyone.  Here, she is demonstrating her ability to give stuff to people, by emptying the contents of her bag of clothes etc. into my arms, one piece at a time.  As you can see, it's pretty satisfactory all round.

Pretty satisfactory

If you were thinking "My, she certainly has grown!", well you're right of course, but I should point out that she is standing on a worktop.  I'm still quite a bit taller than her, really.

Music, after a fashion

Enthusiasts for my peculiar musical outpourings (and yes, there are one or two, despite what the rest of you may think) will be pleased to know that a new, improved version of "Know Your Enemy" is now on Soundcloud,.  This sports a guitar break in the middle, and a (guitar) instrumental bit at the end, for those that like that kind of thing (me).  Also "live" bass guitar in places, courtesy of the recently-acquired Thunder Jet (see Music).  Sadly, the lovely Jackie hasn't (yet) been able to make good on her offer to have a go at the high vocal parts (due to ill-health - waaah!) so it's still me singing - although I have attempted some magic to make the vocals sit better in the mix, as we wannabe sound engineering types like to say.

I am happy to confide in my blog readers that I found it incredibly difficult to come up with a guitar break for this crazy song.  I had to work it out in little bits, and then learn how to play the little bits, and then go round and round trying to get all the way through each little bit without screwing it up, and then cobble all the little bits together - it's a far cry from jamming.  Of course, that's why we have MIDI, where you can do all the "getting it right" afterwards instead.   I suppose in serves me right for trying to write a harmonically "interesting" tune.  If any of you musos out there fancy a challenge, try playing along to it!  It's basically impossible.  Nevertheless, I've found the song to be a bit of an earworm - but maybe that's just because I've now listened to it more than twelve billion times...

The estimable Mr. Golding has sent me lyrics for another song, so who knows, a few months from now there may be another strange eruption from the bowels of the Sears music room.  I think something a bit more Techno maybe?

In the meantime,  I've also released something I did a while ago; a piano instrumental (phew!) called Raggedize. This tune has seen the light of day before, on a CD I made for my brother Alan, but that version was inexplicably missing the percussion track.  Since the starting point for the whole thing was the drum part, I thought that was a bit of a shame, although I tried not to make a big deal of it at the time, since it was supposed to be part of a birthday present.  Anyway, Alan - if you're out there - this is how it was supposed to be!

Almost living in the country

Exwick is quite close to the countryside, and it seems they do things differently there.  For example, in the Sears household, we have domesticated electricity, which we keep out of harm's way on the roof, and we let it out gently into the house through little holes which are so tiny that it can't all come out at once, so that it doesn't cause any trouble.

Tiny holes - quite safe.

 But walking just up the road to the amusingly-named hamlet of Nadderwater, I came across this rather different approach.  Here they keep their electricity in a dog-kennel sited in a hedgerow, right next to the road.

Electricity kennel

Beware of the 'letric!

I was pleased to see that they had put a lock on it, because I wouldn't like it to get out on its own and come running down Exwick Hill past our house without being on a lead. I imagine their semi-feral electricity must be quite ferocious if they have to keep it outside like that.

I must remember to ask the postman if he wears a pair of Faraday-cage socks up there.


It's very nearly next year now, so I can wish a Happy New Year to both my readers!  Well done for making it this far; I salute your endurance.  2018 is already guaranteed to bring more unfinished projects; they are starting to pile up already...

Vacuum cleaners - an unsolicited reviewvertorial

The Sears household has a chequered history with vacuum cleaners.  I remember splashing out on one a while ago which I recall being rather expensive, but I thought "Well, it's worth getting a good one, it will be a well-designed joy to operate and last much longer, and Jackie likes it (in the shop) so everyone will be happy in the long run".  It was a tow-along style, featuring switchable power settings (rather than a cheap but annoying slider gizmo to let some extra air in, which,  in my experience, always gets opened accidentally and spoils the max. suction I almost always want).  Somewhat bizarrely though, it had an ultrasonic connection between control (on the handle) and the main body.  This worked OK unless you towed it along round a corner, and then the off-switch didn't work, until it got line-of-sight to the body again.  It wasn't excessively noisy though, and I quite liked it, so I was a bit miffed when I found that it had suddenly been replaced by a VAX jobby.  Even worse, the old one had been mysteriously "disappeared", despite still being in good working order.  Can you imagine the effect on my delicate psyche?

The VAX turned out to have with a few irritating features.  Most irritating was a big, foot-operated on-off switch than you had to press exactly squarely, exactly in the middle or it didn't work.  Also, it was very noisy indeed.  And the dust emptying process didn't work very well, leaving a big clod of stuff stuck in the transparent cylinder; if you tried to shake it out whilst holding the handle, the whole thing fell apart and into the bin.

Worst of all, it didn't actually work very well on our wooden floors, preferring to slide the bits of stuff around in front of itself, rather than vacuum them up.  And so it had to go.

This time the House of Luuurve came to the rescue, by providing us with the opportunity to try out their recently-acquired VTech cordless units.  Yes, you need two, because one is only an upright floor cleaner, and the other is a hand-held with all those little brush and nozzle attachments you need.  And how wonderful they are.  The lack of mains lead is indeed a joy, the performance is exceptionally good, and the upright has a gizmo for emptying the dust collector which really works.  You unclip the part, put it over the bin, open the bottom and slide the magic slider gizmo; the crud falls neatly out, and that's it.  Great!  Still a little bit noisy, but overall, jolly good. So we bought ourselves a pair.

GTech hand-held - mmmmm!

Sadly, the first time Jackie used the hand-held, she dropped it.  The main nozzle/snood thingy attaches with a locking sleeve (green)which unlocks by pulling it away from the body.  Unfortunately this means that it you inadvertently grab the thing by the sleeve whilst trying to attach a brush (or something), the weight of the body itself causes it to unclip and drop off.  Even more sadly, this happened while she was standing on the back of the sofa, attending to the previously little-cleaned pelmet of the patio doors.  The drop given was six feet, and the the result was almost fatal - mostly it wouldn't switch on, then it wouldn't switch off.  Bugger.

Wishing to minimise the distress that this sorry episode was causing, we phoned up VTech to see whether they would take it in for repair.  Instead, they diagnosed on the phone that the switch module had probably broken, and offered to send us a new one, free of charge.  Excellent!

When it arrived, sadly it didn't fix the problem.  Bugger again.  Back on the phone - and this time VTech offered a complete new chassis, next day delivery - which would be Sunday.  Still no charge - doubly excellent!

The chassis arrived as expected, but by this time the battery was flat and it wouldn't charge in either chassis.  We went back to the House of Luuurve to experiment using their one, and confirmed that our only remaining problem was that our battery was now defunct.  Guess what?   VTech sent us a new one - free of charge.  And collected all the old bits.  And so, we are restored, and happily cleaning the parts our previous vacuums couldn't reach.  Awesome.

This level of customer service is peculiar to new companies trying to establish a reputation, and it doesn't last forever.  Eventually the competition gets stiffer, the margins get thinner, the bean-counters take over, and all that remains is an internet forum where customers can moan to each other.  But it is a joy while it lasts.  Buy a VTech today!

Sensible project, but why now?

The latest exciting project is one which I have been meaning to do for a while, but not quite getting it together.  Basically, the garage roof leaks, due to too many people walking around on it (to trim the overhanging hawthorn tree) without using ladders (which live on it anyway, so there's no excuse really) as duckboards.  That and the fact that it's probably 50 years old by now.

So this presents a couple of problems:

1. The old roof is made of corrugated sheets made of asbestos cement, which is actually very stable and not scary at all, but nevertheless you have to treat it like nuclear waste to get rid of it - double wrapping each piece in polythene sheet, taping it until it's airtight, labelling it, and putting it in the council's asbestos skip yourself (they won't help you with your nasty asbestos, even if you ask politely) and paying them £10 per bag for the privilege.  Or you could just fly-tip it for free, of course.
2. The roof is supported by metal purlins across the width of the garage, but they are about 1 metre apart.  Most roofing materials need much more support than that to avoid sagging.  Also, the purlins are fairly weak - especially the one which has been sawn down from a fabricated beam into a single piece of 1" angle iron to make room for the up-and-over door to operate!  So building a proper structure on top seems a bit heavy.
3. I'd like to get rid of the condensation problem which occasionally turns the garage into a cold drippy place where you wouldn't want to keep anything, really.

The roof.  It actually slopes down towards the camera, not sideways. Honest.

Corrugated asbestos cement - pah!

 On the outside, my roof mostly has a protective layer of disgusting black gunge and unexpected miracles of nature, which further eases the handling task of removing it.

Black gunge - yum!

 The solution to the new roof seemed to be metal profile sheets with foam insulation built in between two skins.  This is pretty rigid, fairly light, and very insulating. The only problem is that the people who make it aren't interested in little garages (maybe if you wanted to cover your local Sainbury's...) and would want to deliver it on a huge vehicle which could never get anywhere near our house, and charge for bringing it from the Midlands.  Hmmm.

Alternatively, get some second hand from Ebay, and collect it yourself, using a rented car trailer, towed behind the camper van!  Ideal.  For some reason, the camper van has a tow hook (it boasts a claimed 70bhp remember).

And so I met a bloke called Jonathan in Bratton Clovelly who is redoing his barns, and apparently buying large random lots of this stuff, and selling on the bits he doesn't want.  Except that he had already sold the bits I wanted.  But he would be getting some more next week.  And then when the day came to collect, both Leo and I had had violent vomiting the night before, and were settling into being drearily ill for days.  And so another week went by...

Eventually we get the stuff back here (it turns out 70bhp is plenty for towing a car trailer, as long as it doesn't have a car on it), so that I could measure it up properly and buy the correct length J-bolts to hold it down.  Which I duly ordered, and some more time went by until they turned up - the wrong length.  They charged me for the 160mm bolts I wanted, but sent 180mm ones, which just won't do.  So I got in touch, and agreed to just return the bolts, and keep the spat washers and nuts and top hats, and here we are, still waiting for the right bolts to arrive.

Meanwhile, winter is about to set in, and it's about to get very cold.  And it's dark most of the day.  Which is a pity, because the weather has been perfect for a while.

Meanwhile, I made a thing to hold the panels flat on the sloping drive out of an old bookcase which once belonged to Aunt Mabel (long deceased) and scrap bits of Dexion, which was nice. 

The blue thing tied on to the far post is to protect passers-by from the sharp edges - it's a foam "bone" which allows you to strap windsurfers on top of each other on your car.  I gave up windsurfing more than 25 years ago, by the way.  The truly eagle-eyed will have spotted a couple of windsurfer masts amongst the hang-glider frame tubes on the garage roof.  After all, you never know when things are going to turn out to be useful, do you?

Anyway, it's another ongoing (read: unfinished) project.  There will be more, I promise.

Cooking

I recently attempted to cook something (of my own invention) which involved pureed apricots.  To perform this task I chose our venerable (approx 1989 vintage) Philips Storemaster all-purpose electric whizzing kitchen gizmo, which in addition to chopping, slicing, mixing, mashing, thrashing, juicing, pummelling etc has the unique feature of storing sumbunall* of its accessories inside its own back panel. 

*Sumbunall is a portmanteau word meaning "some, but not all".  See Robert Anton Wilson, "Quantum Psychology" if you have the time.

Here's the venerable Storemaster, poised ready for a grating task:

Storemaster

 and here's the back view, showing how it cleverly stores the dough hook, cake mixer, and twin blade attachments. Oh, and the mains cable (but not the mains plug, of course).

Storemaster, storing things

And finally, here are all the accessories it doesn't have room to store:

Store somewhere else, please

Anyway, it turns out that pureeing apricots is tougher than it sounds, and the poor old Storemaster jammed up, still whirring, and the twin bladed attachment ceased to rotate.  Thereafter, the transmission seemed to have gone, and the twin blades had no grunt whatsoever. Bugger.

Obviously this meant taking it apart (1989 remember, one Posidrive screwdriver and you're in there) and lo! A lovely aluminium-framed belt drive assembly with reduction gearing, driving a concentric shaft assembly with different outputs for high and low speed attachments.  Here's the overview:

Belt drive

and here's the shaft assembly, showing low speed output (green) which is all one piece with the big cog, and the high speed output (blue), driven by the inner shaft.

Innermost workings of the Storemaster

Unfortunately, that's as far as I could get. The blue bit would rotate on its shaft but not come off it, and the shaft it retained in the cog by an inaccessible circlip inside the conical part.  I guess the blue bit is pressed on, and originally had an internal shape which keyed it onto the shaft somehow (but no more). 

So, I drilled a 1mm hole (handheld - my drillpress won't go that small) right through the base of the blue part (being careful to miss the green part where it sits inside the blue part), and then used the broken-off shaft of the same drill bit as a dowel to key the blue bit onto the shaft.

I chose 1mm because I also have 1.1mm & 1.2mm drills which I thought might be needed for a nice tight fit, but actually 1mm was fine in the plastic.  I really didn't expect to be able to drill the (hardened?) shaft successfully either, but it turned out to be no problem.  Likewise, drilling a 20mm long hole with a 1mm bit, handheld, without breaking the drill bit seemed unlikely to work, but in fact it did.

So, a bit of cleaning up, silicone lubricant (OK for plastic apparently) and reassembly, and the Storemaster has been restored, again (last time I had to make it a new presser out of beech - you can see it in the top picture.  Beech is  top wood for kitchen implements). 

Just as well, because we need to make more kimchi (Korean fermented cabbage, a bit like sauerkraut but more interesting).  Yum!