Personally, I blame the internet. What happened was, I put a little video of me failing to do a front flip (Russian style) on YouTube, as an amusing illustration for this very blog (see Trampoline Dream). Being on YouTube attracts helpful comments, including this one:
Alas, half a flip only gets you from upright to upside-down, and so that's how I hit the tramp - head first, whilst still in a full tuck, wondering why time had slowed down, and still waiting for the sky to appear in my field of vision. The impact came as a complete surprise. Then there was a loud noise like scrunching up a load of bubblewrap, which started in my neck, and went rapidly along my back. Since it was a trampoline, I presume I went back up into the air again after that, but I was distracted at the time and I can't really remember. I do remember thinking "Oh shit, I think I might have really fucked up properly this time" or something very similar, as I came to rest. A less-than-welcome retirement centred around thoracic paraplegia seemed a very possible outcome.
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As it turns out, I don't seem to have done all that much damage. Obviously I've got a few stiff bits and some odd pains here and there, and a lot of clunky noises when I move; but all my extremities are still reporting for duty, and the mobility is already returning to my neck. It has all been very sobering though. Only the other day I was encouraging people to get out and do things (governmental restrictions on movement etc. permitting, obvs) with Horace's time-worn "carpe diem", but I failed to point out that sometimes, the diem can also carpe you right back. I certainly felt pretty well plucked.
In the course of writing this post I noticed that the comment by EJT_flips actually includes a link, so I followed it, and found that EJT_flips seems to be a slim, curly-haired chap who looks about fourteen who can indeed not only do a standing back flip on grass, but also a standing front flip on a soft mat, which is pretty bloody awesome. He also posted a video of himself failing to do a double front on a tramp (you're getting into the lingo now, I trust) and landing on his back, before bouncing into a brick wall, pretty much. It didn't seem to bother him at all, but I guess that's the "being about fourteen" thing.
I find myself being advised more and more (and not just by Dr. Bannon) that it would be wise, at this point, to finally abandon the goal of doing a front-flip. But I don't know - I think when the lockdown is over, and I can get someone competent to spot me (still gettin' it?), I should at least be able to master the trampoline version without risking total disaster for both me and the lovely Jackie.
So I'm still feelin based. As long as I don't be sleepin' on while I'm flexin' on the g-tramp, it'll be fetch.*
As we fourteen-year-old hip-hop tramp-master types might say.
* (see glossary if necessary)
Yes indeed, those "Oh Oh, I've really fucked up this time" moments can be quite big, life defining even! I urge you once again to shift ambition to trying to score over 100 at scrabble or some such in an order to protect the 10,000 nerve cells running down every square millimetre of your spinal cord. But then I am a doctor and not a trampolinist.......
ReplyDeleteAlready got a best one-word Scrabble score of 178, so that's not the one. Seriously though, I do have a new appreciation of risk now. I may well quietly withdraw from the flip-zone while I'm still ahead, and my head still has a neck...
DeleteHope you feel better soon Pete. Inspired by your previous trampoline posting, I attempted to demonstrate a mid-air rotation on the tarmpoline to the kids, but having observed my own inflexibility and not having a neck brace handy, bottled out, as did the kids. Anyway, that has only raised the bar higher and now I think I really want to try sky diving....!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ian. Maybe I should include a disclaimer in the blog - something like "The idiotic antics in this blog are performed by a professional idiot with nothing better to do. Do not attempt to replicate them, even with adult supervision. If you do, you may break the law, your neck, and the confidence and trust of your family and loved ones"
ReplyDeleteOr perhaps I could just reuse the catchphrase of the New Zealand government's anti-drink-driving campaign (circa 1996):
"Don't be a bloody idiot!"
Hey Bae! Good that you be dank. No need go cray cray on the old Tramp doe. Next time you finna be flexin’ on that thing no need be totally savage, you be mossin’ instead! Or, without cultural appropriation, take care of yourself whilst continuing to have fun! (PS - Brilliantly written and illustrated, as always!) LnH.
ReplyDeleteHey Big Al! Ain't no mossin' on a tramp, bro, you finna go HAM or you be rekt! (Full commitment is very important you see, especially in flips, otherwise you don't complete the skill, and risk landing out of position)
DeleteHorace say YOLO, but now I'm SMDH. Mobbin' wiv me squad would be on fleek instead.
Enough if this ish. Back to mossin' RN. Trill.
(Trill is a brand of budgie food, available on Ebay for as little as £8/kg, and as much as £73/kg (which is defo no chill).
HMU if you haven't blown up your phone!
Neat, Pete
ReplyDelete